A Meditation

I was recently asked to write a meditation to be included in my church's annual Lenten Meditation book.  I was really honored, and pretty excited, as I love to write.  It is "due" by tomorrow, so I've been working on it the past few days.  There was no theme, or assigned topic so that left the door wiiiiide open. 

While at church two Sundays ago, I sat pondering possible topics.  My mind spun out of control with the possibilities, and my thoughts got increasingly detailed and complex.  But, this was to be a short meditation.  I'd been praying about what to write about, and said another prayer that morning as I sat there....and then it hit me.  Keep it simple.  And what is just about the most perfect example of simplicity in our world?  Children.  I jotted down these words on a piece of scrap paper:  "Jesus loves me.  It really is that simple."  I prayed about it some more, and have decided to submit the meditation that I'm including below.  This was pretty difficult for me to write, because it had to be so short, but I'm happy with it, and I hope that it will resonate with at least one other person out there in some way.  :) 

As we celebrate this Christmas season...I pray that you each are able to experience the simple joy and love that children so beautifully illustrate for us....especially at this time of year.

Merry Christmas!!

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Scripture:  Mark 10:13-16 

Meditation: 

            It’s 5:15, and as I gather my things up at work, a smile comes across my face; I’m about to experience one of my favorite moments on any given day.  When I arrive to pick up my kids, I find Gabriel completely lost in play on the floor.  I watch him for a moment – he’s full of energy and enthusiasm.  “Gabriel!” I call out, and his little blond head immediately perks up.  He tosses the toys aside, and bounds across the room as fast as his little two-year old legs can carry him.  He lands in my embrace with an excited “Mommy!” and I melt into the required Mommy-puddle.  His sheer enthusiasm is contagious.

Gabriel constantly picks me up like this.  He also convicts me, and keeps me honest.  But more than any of those things, his sweet two-year old mind draws me back to how simple life really is.  When my adult mind gets too focused on the next deadline or item on the list, he asks me to sit with him and read a book.  When impatience oozes its way into me, Gabriel meets that with sweetly spoken words of patience.  He sits at the feet of his parents, eager to spend time with us.  He knows that Jesus loves him, that the Bible tells him so….and that it really is that simple.

Prayer:  Father God, help us to view the world and each other through the eyes of a child, where hurts can be loved away, and obedience is expected.  Help us to simplify the clutter and chaos of our everyday lives so that we can sit at Your feet, eagerly awaiting Your words and guidance, and run with full-force into Your embrace at the end of each day.  Amen.

Tessaira

Tessaira Rose.  Just even saying her name brings a smile to my face.  What a beautiful and talented little girl she is. I mean really.....what a smile....what a personality!

I remember the first night I really met Tessaira (not counting the few times I ran across her and Shawn's path when she was just a baby).  She was almost 2 1/2 years old, and I had gone as a friend with Shawn to a band concert in Tonganoxie - he had to go as a representative for Hume Music.  Tessaira was quiet and clung to her Daddy.  Being a person that loves little kids, I know that they can be shy the first time they meet someone, so I was anxious to try and break that shell.  I remember it taking a bit of time, but by the end of the evening, she had revealed to me a little bit of the spunk in her personality, and I capped off the evening with my first Tessaira-hug and even a little kiss on the cheek.  And thus began our relationship.  Little did I know where Tessaira and I were headed.  :)

It has since been 6 1/2 years.  Tessaira is now almost nine, and such an integral part of my life.  We have shared some challenging moments for sure.  I can recall plenty of tantrums in the car (one that had Shawn, Tessaira and I sitting in the lot outside of a Wendy's for a good 15 minutes while she calmed down and made the choice to end the tantrum).  :)  Of course everyone has their challenges, but everyone has their strengths too, and that's why this blog post is dedicated to T-bear....to heap praise on her for the amazing things she does, and the beautiful little person she is.

Tessaira is a spit-fire.  Tessaira is talented.  Tessaira is beautiful.  Tessaira is creative. 

A lot of times, children get attention from adults for being "cute", but not the way Tessaira does.  I've had people come practically tearing across the mall to comment on just how beautiful Tessaira is....and she is.  She has this gorgeous, fine, curly dark-brown hair....and this perfect pale brown skin....and her deep brown eyes.  And...if you've ever gotten really close, you may have noticed the adorable little dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks.  But the thing that really gets me about her, is that SMILE!  Sure it currently has a few holes in it...but it can light up a room any day.  :)  I pray that she will always recognize the beautiful little girl that God created her to be, and to really appreciate these things about herself, and be confident in them.

I find myself appreciating the creative way Tessaira looks at the world....her family and friends....questions.....tasks and projects.  She comes up with some of the most creative and impressive projects all on her own.  For example, one day while going through papers that came home from school, I found some folded up sheets with handwriting all over them.  I unfolded them and began reading, and realized that for fun, she and some of her friends had written a short play.  They had a master script, and parts for each member of the cast, and there was even a narrator.  That just blew me away that an 8 year old would do that!  It never fails; I will ask her opinion of something (admittedly sometimes with a certain response hoped for or already planned out in my brain) and she frequently surprises me with her insight and opinions.  I'm the type that has strong opinions, knows what I want, and thinks that these ideas are good ones.  :)  So I've now grown to expect....and actually really appreciate the curve-balls Tessaira throws me that force me to look at situations and people from another perspective.  I find her to be quite different from the way I was as a child, and I'm really finding that I can learn a lot from that.  She is the "rule-pusher" to my "rule-following", the "mis-match" to my "matchy-matchy".  By no means am I encouraging her to be a rebel-rule-breaker....but I really do think that it can be important to test limits in some ways because that is how positve change sometimes comes about.  I try to be a parent to her that can keep her in check, but still encourage that spit-fire spunk without crushing her energy and spirit.  I pray that she will always use her spit-fire energy and creativity for things that make her happy and will make the world a more beautiful and better place.

The thing I'm appreciating the most about Tessaira right now though, is her sweet, sweet soul.  She blew me away when Gabriel was born, and she's blowing me away again with regard to Lauren.  I have never met another child that had such a heart for babies and younger children. 

Tessaira & Gabriel

Tessaira & Lauren

Sometimes Shawn and I have to say to her "Tessaira, put your brother/sister down and go play!!"  She loves them; and, they love her.  Gabriel and Lauren I hope one day will realize just what a great big sister they have!!  I pray also that Tessaira realizes what a special gift she has for working with kids, and that it can be used for God's glory all throughout her life, whether it's in caring for her siblings, babysitting, becoming a doctor or a teacher, etc.  I think God can use this gift in an amazing way - I know He already is using it in our family.

Tessaira I'm sure does not realize right now.....and maybe it's not something she could ever fully grasp....but, I'm sure she does not realize the impact she already has had on so many lives.  I know she impacted Shawn's life in a major way, and continues to.  I think their story is beautiful, and amazing...and reveals so much about both of their characters....but that is another blog post.  :)  She gave my parents their first grandchild, and was the first niece to my sisters.  I know she is a huge blessing to Arin and their family.  She is an amazing big sister, and Lauren and Gabe feel lucky (even in their 2 year old and 6 month old ways) to have her around.  And me.....well....she's given me the opportunity to be a step-mom, which is an experience that has grown me as a person, and challenged and rewarded me in ways even beyond being a regular mom or dad.  But step-mommyhood....that's another blog post too.  :)  

Tessaira, thank you for being you.  We love you.



Patience

"Gabriel, please come here," I call out from my room.  "Mommy needs to put your shoes on you, so we can get out the door."
There is silence as I pause and listen across the hall to his room for any sign that he heard this request and intends to comply with it.
And then, with voice slightly raised, I try again, "Gabriel, COME here please."
Further silence.
And then, "GABRIEL Curtis Evans, COME H......" and I hear the padding of his little bare feet trotting across his room and into mine.  And the crinkling sound that his little diaper makes as he runs, matches the crinkling of his eyes and mouth from his satisfied grin....and he appears at my doorway.
"What," he states...not questions.  He knows full well what I was after, anyway.  :)

Deep breath....think patience, Mel.

I know patient people.  I admire them.  My husband Shawn amazes me with his calm and cool nature.  He has this......ability.....a gift, really.....to let things roll off, and go with the flow.  One of my goals is to be "patient like Shawn," or even a few steps toward more "patient like Shawn."  I don't think it's in me to ever be as patient as him.

I've always kind-of been aware of my impatience, but there is nothing quite like parenthood to give you plenty of opportunities to exercise it!  I'm aware of it now more than ever.  And as I've thought about it, I see it not just in dealing with my kids, but interspersed in many little scenarios in my life.  I feel it when my mom asks me to repeat something I've said (oh how it has always annoyed me to repeat myself); nevermind that I probably mumbled when I said it the first time.  I feel it when I ask Tessaira to bring me a green and white tube of hair product from under the sink, and she comes back with a purple spray bottle from on top of the sink and says "this?" (honestly this made me laugh more than it annoyed me).  I feel Impatience oozing her way in to my speech at work sometimes when dealing with coworkers.  It drips off of my words so frequently...too frequently.  Sheesh, I remember times where I even told Shawn something about a gift I was getting him, because I didn't want to wait to tell him about it!

I know this needs to change.  I consider it one of my current, biggest faults.

1 Thessalonians 5:14 And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

Colossians 3:12-13 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

I want to give up impatience for Lent....can that work?  :)  In all seriousness, I am, and intend to continue this battle.  If admitting you have a problem is the first step...then.....well, at least I've made one step.  Bottom line, work with me as I work on this; if you're the praying type, please pray for me with regard to this.  I'm sure I'm going to continue to have plenty more opportunities to exercise my patience muscles.....especially if Gabriel has anything to do with it.  :)

Grab It

Oy.  Loss is hard.

I lost a dear family member to cancer over three years ago now....my mother-in-law.  This is a picture of a young Tessaira with her Grammie. 

This past summer, I also lost my step-mother in law to the same battle.  I miss them both terribly.  My heart aches that my children will not really "know" them, apart from the ways that their memories live on through us.  This is a picture of Shawn's dad, Steve with Jassendra on our family trip to Disney World.  It was one of her favorite places.

Just a week ago, we lost a fellow Sigma Alpha Iota sister to a battle with colon cancer....she was 24.  24!  And a co-worker of mine has been battling some serious health issues that sprang up seemingly out of nowhere a few weeks ago....and he could have lost his life.  We're talking one day he's at work....then he's out sick for a few days and suddenly in the hospital fighting for his life.  Praise God for his continued gradual improvement, though!

Dealing with loss is hard.  But, as with everything, there is usually a silver lining.  One of the positives loss brings about, is reassessment of life.......of priorities. 

Especially during the past few weeks, dealing with my co-worker's illness, and the completely shocking, sudden nature of it....I've been sitting back and thinking about the way life's been going for me.  I've maybe been on auto-pilot.....something this co-worker strongly discourages at our office!  :)  We are such creatures of habit....we leave for work at the same time every day, and come home and do the same things each evening.  Sure we love our families, and know that they love us.  Sure, we appreciate the little things that people do for us, and know that they appreciate the things we do for them.  But how often do we look for moments to grab, to savor, to turn into something spectacular.  I don't want auto-pilot to be enough for my life.  I want to grab all of these big moments, and little moments, and learn how to really savor them all, and really "love up" anyone whose path crosses mine.

A few of my favorite moments as of late:  Wednesday, February 23rd, and waking to the sound of Gabe playing with toys in his room after his first night in his "big boy bed", and then the sound of his feet running into our room and his little proclamation of "I get out of bed, Mommy!".  He was so excited and so adorable.  Or last week...Valentine roses from Shawn and some simple words on a card that melted my heart.  Or, conversations with family members....Gabe wanting to talk to Grandpa and Grandma to tell them he was taking a bath and using his new frog towel...or our planning of some family get-togethers.  The sheer love I feel for these people is completely "disabling" in a way.  It's overwhelming.  And especially so, when you think of it in the context of being stripped away from you.  I want to grab on to every moment while I can.  :)  I am so thankful for them, and these moments.

For me, this has to be a conscious choice - something that I try to keep myself aware of and thinking about.  If I let it go to the back of my mind...I go back to auto-pilot.  The past weeks, I've been praying to God to help make me aware of these moments that need to be seized, of the times that I need to go out of my way to encourage someone, and that I would just really appreciate all of the people in my life, and how their love and actions directly impact me. 

Won't you join with me in praying that we will take time every day, hopefully many times every day, to be consciously thankful, to be openly appreciative, and to show purposeful love to everyone, in case this day is our last.