Patience

"Gabriel, please come here," I call out from my room.  "Mommy needs to put your shoes on you, so we can get out the door."
There is silence as I pause and listen across the hall to his room for any sign that he heard this request and intends to comply with it.
And then, with voice slightly raised, I try again, "Gabriel, COME here please."
Further silence.
And then, "GABRIEL Curtis Evans, COME H......" and I hear the padding of his little bare feet trotting across his room and into mine.  And the crinkling sound that his little diaper makes as he runs, matches the crinkling of his eyes and mouth from his satisfied grin....and he appears at my doorway.
"What," he states...not questions.  He knows full well what I was after, anyway.  :)

Deep breath....think patience, Mel.

I know patient people.  I admire them.  My husband Shawn amazes me with his calm and cool nature.  He has this......ability.....a gift, really.....to let things roll off, and go with the flow.  One of my goals is to be "patient like Shawn," or even a few steps toward more "patient like Shawn."  I don't think it's in me to ever be as patient as him.

I've always kind-of been aware of my impatience, but there is nothing quite like parenthood to give you plenty of opportunities to exercise it!  I'm aware of it now more than ever.  And as I've thought about it, I see it not just in dealing with my kids, but interspersed in many little scenarios in my life.  I feel it when my mom asks me to repeat something I've said (oh how it has always annoyed me to repeat myself); nevermind that I probably mumbled when I said it the first time.  I feel it when I ask Tessaira to bring me a green and white tube of hair product from under the sink, and she comes back with a purple spray bottle from on top of the sink and says "this?" (honestly this made me laugh more than it annoyed me).  I feel Impatience oozing her way in to my speech at work sometimes when dealing with coworkers.  It drips off of my words so frequently...too frequently.  Sheesh, I remember times where I even told Shawn something about a gift I was getting him, because I didn't want to wait to tell him about it!

I know this needs to change.  I consider it one of my current, biggest faults.

1 Thessalonians 5:14 And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

Colossians 3:12-13 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

I want to give up impatience for Lent....can that work?  :)  In all seriousness, I am, and intend to continue this battle.  If admitting you have a problem is the first step...then.....well, at least I've made one step.  Bottom line, work with me as I work on this; if you're the praying type, please pray for me with regard to this.  I'm sure I'm going to continue to have plenty more opportunities to exercise my patience muscles.....especially if Gabriel has anything to do with it.  :)

Grab It

Oy.  Loss is hard.

I lost a dear family member to cancer over three years ago now....my mother-in-law.  This is a picture of a young Tessaira with her Grammie. 

This past summer, I also lost my step-mother in law to the same battle.  I miss them both terribly.  My heart aches that my children will not really "know" them, apart from the ways that their memories live on through us.  This is a picture of Shawn's dad, Steve with Jassendra on our family trip to Disney World.  It was one of her favorite places.

Just a week ago, we lost a fellow Sigma Alpha Iota sister to a battle with colon cancer....she was 24.  24!  And a co-worker of mine has been battling some serious health issues that sprang up seemingly out of nowhere a few weeks ago....and he could have lost his life.  We're talking one day he's at work....then he's out sick for a few days and suddenly in the hospital fighting for his life.  Praise God for his continued gradual improvement, though!

Dealing with loss is hard.  But, as with everything, there is usually a silver lining.  One of the positives loss brings about, is reassessment of life.......of priorities. 

Especially during the past few weeks, dealing with my co-worker's illness, and the completely shocking, sudden nature of it....I've been sitting back and thinking about the way life's been going for me.  I've maybe been on auto-pilot.....something this co-worker strongly discourages at our office!  :)  We are such creatures of habit....we leave for work at the same time every day, and come home and do the same things each evening.  Sure we love our families, and know that they love us.  Sure, we appreciate the little things that people do for us, and know that they appreciate the things we do for them.  But how often do we look for moments to grab, to savor, to turn into something spectacular.  I don't want auto-pilot to be enough for my life.  I want to grab all of these big moments, and little moments, and learn how to really savor them all, and really "love up" anyone whose path crosses mine.

A few of my favorite moments as of late:  Wednesday, February 23rd, and waking to the sound of Gabe playing with toys in his room after his first night in his "big boy bed", and then the sound of his feet running into our room and his little proclamation of "I get out of bed, Mommy!".  He was so excited and so adorable.  Or last week...Valentine roses from Shawn and some simple words on a card that melted my heart.  Or, conversations with family members....Gabe wanting to talk to Grandpa and Grandma to tell them he was taking a bath and using his new frog towel...or our planning of some family get-togethers.  The sheer love I feel for these people is completely "disabling" in a way.  It's overwhelming.  And especially so, when you think of it in the context of being stripped away from you.  I want to grab on to every moment while I can.  :)  I am so thankful for them, and these moments.

For me, this has to be a conscious choice - something that I try to keep myself aware of and thinking about.  If I let it go to the back of my mind...I go back to auto-pilot.  The past weeks, I've been praying to God to help make me aware of these moments that need to be seized, of the times that I need to go out of my way to encourage someone, and that I would just really appreciate all of the people in my life, and how their love and actions directly impact me. 

Won't you join with me in praying that we will take time every day, hopefully many times every day, to be consciously thankful, to be openly appreciative, and to show purposeful love to everyone, in case this day is our last.

Life is Not a Snapshot

There is a song that I love right now called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.  And when I say "love", I mean it.  It's the kind of song that I really almost "feel" more than I "hear"... that I drum passionately on the steering wheel to....kind-of like the way I am when I hear St. Elmo's Fire.  Surely someone else out there knows this feeling I'm trying to describe.  Music in general just does that to me, but that's a separate post.  :)

This song in particular just speaks to me because I know some people who have gone through some incredibly hard times in the past few years, and it's about some broad ideas that I feel so strongly about, and have for some time...for sure back to my high school days.  First, I believe that you have to experience the "bad" in life in order to appreciate the "good" - I remember strongly understanding and starting to believe this after a reading of Milton's "Paradise Lost" in high school (thank you Mr. Schultz).  I had never thought before that really it's impossible to have or know what "good" is, unless you also have the opposite.  One of the major themes in Milton's poem is actually that the fall of mankind is in a way fortunate, because it allows us to experience the bad in pain, suffering and death, and allows us to experience the good, that God offers us mercy and the gift of salvation through Jesus.  Secondly, I believe that all life events, bad or good, shape us into exactly who we are to be...that God has a plan for us, and everything that happens to us is included in that plan.  Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."  This is so huge in my life.  It just gives every thing that happens to me so much purpose....I can rejoice in the good, and in some ways even rejoice in the bad.  It's during the bad that we learn....that we are humbled....that we can have a shifted perspective.  If you can look at the bad this way, you can see the bigger picture (as opposed to a snapshot of one bad moment in your life) that Josh Wilson sings about. 

For me, all of these ideas make the bad things in life so absolutely much more bearable.  That verse from Romans does not say "in all of the good things that happen to you, God will work for the good of those who love him."  No.  It says "in ALL things," - this includes the difficult or bad.

I debated on posting the lyrics to this song, and ultimately decided to go ahead and include them.  They are below, as well as a link to a place on YouTube where you can hear the song if you'd like.  :)

I just pray that every single person would be able to know these things about their life.  That God loves them, there's purpose in all of it (even the pain), and be able to see the bigger picture, and how everything can work together for you when you're following Him.  I pray that each person would not say "if there is a God, how could he let this happen to me," but rather "I have faith that all of this is happening in my life to bring a better ending for me somehow."  I also pray that I will still fervently believe this on the day that the first absolute tragedy crosses my life's path, because I know the things I've faced are nothing compared to what some have.

Let me always look for the bigger picture.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EThmOXku6Nc&feature=related

"Before the Morning" - by Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now?

Maybe there are things you can’t see and all those things are happening

to bring a better ending someday somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there...So say a prayer

And hold on, cause there’s good for those who love God
Life is not a snapshot, It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture...

 

My blog?

I honestly have had this blog set up for weeks now.  Maybe it's even been a couple of months.  I was inspired to start one by several friends on Facebook that regularly blog about their days, motherhood stories, thoughts, things they're reading.  With the amount of thoughts rattling around in side my head at any given moment, I could easily write for hours...possibly days.  I'll just have to spread those thoughts out and attack them one by one, as time permits. 

During the days that I was setting this up, I was so excited about it.  And then it sat....and sat....and sat.  I think my problem has been....where do I even begin with all of these thoughts and stories to share?   :)  I have a beautiful, wonderful and imperfect marriage.  Hillarious and talented kids....a great family.  I sometimes must deal with challenges that life throws at me.  My sister's getting married.  I'm pregnant.  My other sister is one of the strongest women I know, for the things she's been through in the past couple of years.  Within the past few years I lost both my mother-in-law and my step-mother-in-law to battles with cancer.  My church is doing great things for people.  I feel God's presence so strongly in my life right now.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I mean, how do you know where to begin?

I guess what I just need to do, is jump in, feet first and just go for it.  So that's what I'm attempting to do here....the first post has to be the hardest, right?

My goals for this blog, are:
1.  To have a way to look back at my life from time to time, in detail, and to never forget where I've been.
2.  To journal my children's antics, and my family's adventures.
3.  To have a place to direct my thoughts to, and hopefully make some sense out of them.
4.  Maybe, possibly to brighten someone's day from time to time, or share a story that someone else can relate to, or that can help someone in some way.
5.  To share the amazing things that God can do in someone's life.
6.  To have a way to daily remind me of what I have to be thankful for.

If you're reading this, thank you...and hang in there with me.  I have NO idea what I am doing.  :)